I Do, But I Don't

I Do, But I Don't

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Diary of His Last Day

7:30am:  I couldn't sleep again last night.  The nightmares coupled with the physical pain has been unbearable for the last few months, but I only need a few more hours and then, it will be handled.  The coffee is brewing, it shouldn't be long before I can get my morning dose of miraculous.  The smell of freshly brewed coffee is unlike anything else and it has brought me many mornings of enjoyment.  Today, I'm just not feeling it.

8:45am:  I sat out on the balcony and had my coffee and it was delicious, the sunshine was a welcomed change, that's for certain.  The weather can be so frustrating - one minute it's cold, the next it's like living under an earth-sized hair dryer.  Anyway, time to get ready.

9:25am:   The pain has really started to intensify.  The pain medications have stopped working weeks ago and with each passing day, the pain is increasingly intense.  I'm glad that the kids haven't seen me in this condition.  They saw me in the hospital once, and that was enough.  They were scared, frightened, and unsure of just what was going on.  I have caused enough pain in their lives and I have no desire to add to the pain.  They are wonderful kids - all of them.  I can't go on being a source of anguish for them.  Just can't do it any longer.

11:00am:  I made my calls to those whom I love.  Some were excited to hear from me, the rest were rather disinterested in a simple conversation.  It hurt, but it's what I've grown used to.  When you're sick, you see, no one really wants to be around you - as though your pain will be transferred to them like in a sci-fi flick.  These were people whom I thought really gave a shit about me and my feelings.  I don't get it and maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me to understand.  They enjoyed me as long as I was entertaining, interesting.  But when I became ill and the prognosis was scary, I became a persona non grata.  And that's okay too.

12:13pm:  The time is drawing near and the closer it gets, the more at peace I feel.  My Catholic friends will consider this a mortal sin.  For my Protestant friends, they'll just pray that I made it to the happy side of the abyss.  The rest of my friends probably will miss me the most.  They knew me intimately, and they cared of their own free will - not because of some obligatory religious edict.  Man, I've dealt with my share of so-called Christians and they only understand the most rudimentary aspects of what current culture has decided is fundamental.  Oh, well.  I sure as hell won't be changing anyone's opinions - I've tried that and it just didn't work.  I vomited blood again and it's getting worse and more disgusting.  Blood is supposed to be on the inside of the body, not the outside.

1:46pm:  Why didn't they understand what I have been going through?  I reached out to them, asked if they were too busy to visit once in a while, and apparently they were.  I had a couple friends who stuck with me through this, but one abandoned me when it got rough - apparently there is no such thing as "unconditional love" any longer.  There's always an agenda. It's one of those "I love you IF" circumstances.  "I love you IF you behave in a manner of my choosing."  It's immeasurably fucked up and yeah, I suppose I have pulled that shit too.  But it doesn't make it right.  

3:00pm:  It's time.  Everything is ready, I've made my final telephone calls, I've even posted some niceties to be remembered by that will make my so-called friends feel good about themselves.  Some will say I took the coward's way out.  To them, I ask:  When is the last time you were in such pain that you couldn't talk?  Have you ever been so sick that even a simple cough will cause you to shit your pants?  Have you ever stared down the barrel of a firearm and knew that it would take your life?  Exactly.  Of course you haven't.  So, don't you dare judge me because if I do come back, I'll haunt the hell out of you.  I just can't take the pain of being sick and the emotional trauma that comes along with being sick - that sense of loneliness.  I know there will be others after me who experience the same.  My hope is that they are not left alone; whether they deserve it or not.  I've spent my last few days alone except for the occasional text message or social media message.  No one else should have to deal with that.

To My Kids:  I love you.  You all made my heart sing out when you were born.  Your lives are a testament to just how amazing life can be.  You've grown into your own and I'm proud of each of you.  Don't listen to the naysayers - remember that I love you and I carried your love for me to the other side.

I leave you all with four words:  I tried, I failed.  

They found his lifeless body sprawled out in her living room.  What was left of his head was scattered all over the floor, the pistol still in one hand, his diary in his other hand.  His friends and family mourned him, even missed him.  It wasn't long before they regretted not spending time with him, sharing life experiences.  But that's just the way it goes in the contemporary Facebook society.

I've read a great deal about warning signs about suicide and the diary above really underscores the fact that we have little time on this earth and that time should be spent wisely.  The fulfillment of our human existence is when we connect with other humans, sharing love and time with one another.  Don't pretend that the distressed is "someone else's problem."  It's your problem too.  If we all take on the responsibility of caring for one another - truly caring, the problem of suicide fades away.  It's true that we can't completely eliminate suicide, but we can knock a hole in it.

Gorilla

Friday, January 30, 2015

Weekend Prepper

What a wicked week it has been.  The third volume in my book series, Absolution for the Average Joe, was released for Kindle this week.  Still no results from the VA for the biopsies they took, and of course, that always brings the stress level to a minimum. Stomach is still upset as hell since the procedure and worse than before I went in (figures) I finally figured out how to use Instagram - quite the feat, I might add.  So, as you can see, it was an interesting week. 

Let's look at what the weekend may bring:

Seahawks Super Bowl Championship Part II:  My Seattle Seahawks are matched up against the New England Patriots and it looks to be a great game - though the Seahawks will pull off another win.  That will make back-to-back Super Bowl Championships and I will be a happy little camper.  The Patriots are a good team and they are picked to win the big game by just about every sports pontification available.  And the Seahawks love to be underdogs.  Remember the Green Bay NFC Championship?  Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch brought the team back from a big deficit in the fourth quarter with only 3 minutes left on the clock.  Yeah.  This is going to be one hell of a game.

New On Netflix:  The ultimate creator of the couch potato, Netflix continues to blow the doors off of every other subscription-based entertainment source.  I've had the chance to watch Breaking Bad twice now, Sons of Anarchy (waiting for the last season to be released), and there's Lost, of course - if you can keep from becoming lost. One of Netflix original badass series is House of Cards featuring Kevin Spacey who is amazing in this series.  The controversial movie, The Interview, is on Netflix already.  No doubt because of the whole hacking debacle.  Then there's Footloose, Fried Green Tomatoes, Mystic River (put this on your MUST see list), and comedies like Mr. Mom, and Swingers.  If the weather is too chilly or you're just waiting for Super Bowl Sunday, some time in front of the tube wouldn't be a bad thing.

SCOTUS Contemplation:  Mitt Romney announced that he would not, in fact, run for president in 2016.  Certainly there were people who were shocked and relieved to hear that but now, the GOP has to figure out who the next nominee will be.  Jeb Bush looks to be the frontrunner, Christie a close second.  The country is not ready for another Bush in office, though this Bush Boy seems to be a little more moderate than than the rest of his family who has sat in the Oval Office. This weekend, give some thought to the best match-ups.  If Jeb faces Hillary, it might be an interesting race because the voters will have to decide between contributing to either the Bush legacy or the Clinton legacy.

Give a Visit:  I've mentioned this plenty in other posts, but there's a real need for men and women to reach out to one another.  Life is hard and for some, it's exceedingly difficult.  Take some time our of your day to visit someone or to at least call.  Forget emails, text message, or Facebook messages.  See them in person and hug their neck.  That little gesture could serve to brighten their day and maybe keep them from the brink of the abyss.

There's a lot to do this weekend if you're interested in doing something.  Whatever it is, do some good.

Gorilla


Thursday, January 29, 2015

Impending Doom

The sense of impending doom is what makes many movies so delicious - the anticipation of something horrible about to happen sucks us in and we begin to physically manifest our anticipation.  Our palms get sweaty, the adrenaline begins to rush, our heart rate increases, our breathing becomes shorter, and our pupils dilate.  These are not voluntary physical manifestations, but rather are an involuntary response to the potential of bad things about to happen.  Maybe it's our bodies warning us to get the hell out of where we are.

Politicians use that sense of doom and gloom every single day to get us to vote for them or to frighten constituents into believing that if we don't believe in the tripe they're spewing, we're going to be destroyed.  In other words, they hype up their fantasies in order to scare the hell out of us.

Nowhere is their a more apt illustration than some of the ridiculous bills that are being introduced in the Oklahoma legislature.  They are beyond preposterous, and the argument of the elected official is that the "gay agenda" is potentially ruining the country.  Ever more so, a bill to actually fire judges, clerks and the like who approve of and perform in any way something that even looks like gay marriage.  Really?  Really.  At one point in this legislator's career she talked publicly about how homosexuality is, in her opinion, more dangerous than terrorism.  Really.  It's true. 

She has no less than three bills this session that is supposedly going to protect traditional marriage.  If pastors like Kern's husband were doing their jobs ministering to those who need it rather than making up these stupid laws, she would see a change.

This legislator obviously doesn't get it, and it's probably not her fault.  She has surrounded herself with the "Amen Chorus," who agree with everything she says - as nuts as it may sound.  If this legislator truly wants to protect traditional marriage, maybe distracting the proponents therein with specious arguments might help a little.  For example, when the offense of a football team takes the field, their primary concern is to execute their plays accurately and get down the field to score.  They aren't bogged down by worrying about what their opponent may or may not be thinking.  It's stupidity personified to do so.

The Governor of Oklahoma announced that agencies may be facing some budget cuts because of the so-called "budget shortfall."  It is a reasonable request - IF the budget was actually crafted predicated on real income rather than projected income.  But that would be asking too much.  In the interim, stay scared, people.  The end is near.

People use fear every day to get what they want from others and politics is just the tip of the iceberg.  Capitalizing on fear has become a sacrament to some people - in relationships, for example:  A couple is talking about divorce, but the wife doesn't want it.  She points out to him that everything he has ever owned, everything he has ever desired or will maybe acquire in the future, will be hers.  She is playing on the fear of what most men experience in break-ups with most women.  It's all about revenge, perceived recompense, and it's a display of anger and rage.  It's tragic, but what is even worse is that we allow that shit to be pushed in our faces.

It's time for all of us to just stop.  It will be difficult, a struggle every day, but not thinking about the supposed end of the world at every turn will ease some stress.  At least I think so.

It's just my opinion and I could be wrong - but I seriously doubt it.

Gorilla