I Do, But I Don't

I Do, But I Don't

Friday, December 19, 2014

Free My Mind Friday Before Christmas

I've been pretty open about my bouts with depression as well as my physical health and I've been asked recently why I am so candid.  The person asking had a sneer on his face, as though I were passing gas rather than sharing intimate details of my time on this big blue ball.  He was actually offended that I would do so.  He clearly had a higher view of me than I have of myself because he felt it necessary to recite my resume' to me in a chastising and condescending tone as if I were giving away state's secrets.  My response to him was simple, to the point:  "Look, I don't give a damn what you think is appropriate or what isn't appropriate.  For me, it frees my mind in the hopes that maybe someone else can kick depression's ass by knowing they're not alone.  It's easier to let this stuff out of my head than it is to keep it bottled up for days like this when douchebags question me and I get the urge to rip their f*cking heads off."

He shut the hell up about it.

Some coping tools are probably not so healthy, but writing about the crap I've gone through isn't going to hurt anyone - unless I actually DO start revealing secrets.  But that's just not going to happen because it serves no purpose to hurt others intentionally.  For this little gray duck, it's all about trying to get healthy and helping other folks get healthy for as long as I can.  No one knows how much time we have left with one another here on earth, so it's best spent sharing the truth and maybe extending some love to one another.  Is that too much to ask?

This week has been a strange one.  The fact that we're actually seeing discussions about fracking near Lake Hefner - a major water source for the citizens of Oklahoma City, blows my mind.  I know that Oklahoma is all about the oil and gas industry and we're willing to drop trousers and bend over for any one of those energy companies, but seriously?  To me, it shows the absolute arrogance of the industry and the lack of spinal fortitude our elected officials have where they are concerned.  It proves that in the state of Oklahoma, every single elected official is bought and paid for by someone.  This is emblematic of the week, in my opinion.

Yes, Christmas is right around the corner and I confess, it's been a long time since I've had a holiday season that hasn't made me want to do bad things to people.  This year, however, it's been much nicer, much more palatable.  There is hope, there is joy and perhaps the meaning of the season itself is being made manifest in my life.  The concept of grace, mercy, the deliverance from the darkness of the human pathos - that's what Christmas is about.  Through the birth and sacrifice of One, the whole may be saved.

That's just my opinion, and I could be wrong.  But I seriously doubt it.

Gorilla

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Pain Is Supposed to Hurt

They loved and cared for one another in ways that were impossible to describe.  When together, it was as though nothing else in the world mattered, it was as though their breaths were dependent upon that of the other.  When they were apart, the glint in their eyes were there because of anticipation of being in each others' arms again.  They were perfect in every way - even when they fought, they did so with a hint of eagerness to make up, to apologize to one another with love and passion.  What the world couldn't see is that between the two of them, there was immense pain.  They knew that their days were limited, time was of a rare and precious commodity.  They didn't know the day, the hour, but they knew that they would have to say that one final goodbye.  He had been diagnosed with a terminal disease.  He would die.  He would leave her side.  On the surface, they were perfection.  Behind the passion, exists pain.

Everyone experiences pain - physical pain of one sort or another.  The human body is designed with nerves that feed information to the brain where pain receptors let us know that something is horribly wrong and action should be taken.  There are medicines available to relieve pain to be sure, but there's another type of pain that kills not only the body, but the spirit of man.  It's the pain that accompanies loneliness, the feeling of utter solitude even when surrounded by people.  It's cliche' to say, but we've heard the axiom of being in a crowded room and still feeling alone and it rings true.  The reasons for such solitude are varied and different for everyone.  It may be different, but it is equally devastating.

Over the course of a lifetime, each of us will experience loss and experience the subsequent pain that accompanies it.  There's a timing to life, a rythm to life, a pace if you will.  For example, parents shouldn't lose their children early in life and children shouldn't lose their parents at a young age.  We're just not hard-wired to handle that kind of trauma.  But still, we see it every day, we experience it within our sphere of influence whether we like it or not.  Life sucks at times and we're the ones being drawn into the tube of maladjusted consciousness, only to be stored in someone's trash heap of emotional carnage.

We lose relationships along the course of life's journey and that too causes a great deal of pain.  More so for some than others.  None of it is designed to be easy and all of it is supposed to cause us pain so we shouldn't be surprised when it hurts.  In some ways, we should embrace it because each one of those moments of loss, those moments of extreme pain build up emotional scar tissue.  Scar tissue deadens the nerve endings both emotionally and physically and sometimes, that's a damned good thing.

Approaching the Christmas holiday, it's important for us to remember that it's not easy for everyone.  No amount of neatly wrapped gifts can replace the energy that human touch and interaction can bring.  Without it, the pain for some is immeasurable.  We're not created to be independent creatures void of contact with one another.  We were created to have fellowship with one another. Is there someone in your life experiencing pain?  Is there someone in your life you suspect is experiencing pain but is just too broken to admit it?  Reach out.  It could reduce the amount of scar tissue build up in their lives...

Gorilla