I Do, But I Don't

I Do, But I Don't

Thursday, July 02, 2015

They Got It All Wrong

I found myself deep in thought today, thinking about some of the things my parents taught me, some of the things our communities preach to us and swear are true, and even some of the things my pastor from junior high school taught me.  To a person, they all got something wrong along the way.  I thought that I would share these with you and perhaps you would agree with me.

First, there is a very popular restaurant in the central area of Oklahoma City that is the "hip and happening" place for all of the go-getters to be seen.  The place gets marvelous reviews as some of the best Mexican food around.  Well, they lied.  The food is an odd combination of Mexican cuisine and hipster sauces made from stuff none of us have heard of before.  The presentation of the meals is good, is suppose, if you don't mind eating something that looked like Picasso puked on your plate.   The colors are pretty, I suppose.  And it's expensive too.

Second, I remember my pastor when I was a kid who used to preach the virtues of marriage, extolling the great many benefits of a monogamous relationship and how God really digs it when we stay married for a very, very long time to someone we have grown to not like being around.  He would talk about how important the sanctity of marriage was and how divorce was of the devil.  He didn't really feel that way after diddling the church secretary though.  Maybe God changed his mind?  Well, he got it all wrong.  Marriage is a tough racket and for those reading this who have stuck it out decade after decade, I tip my hat to you.

Third, my parents always told me that country music was the best to listen to.  That was just wrong of them to do.  There is so much more music out there than just country music - which has its virtues, but to compare Don Giovanni with Red Solo Cup is a bit of a stretch.  I don't think it was very nice of them to do that to me.  They were SO wrong.

Fourth, I remember Pat Robertson saying that God would destroy Orlando because of the gay pride day at Disney World.  He got that all wrong, didn't he?  Then there was the whole Oral Roberts extortion gig of $5 million or something.  He too was wrong.  I've come to the conclusion that televangelists are a bad idea as a general rule.

Fifth, at my last birthday, I turned 50.  My friends told me that it would only get easier from there.  They were totally wrong.  It hasn't been easier, it has been a larger pain in the ass than I imagined.  Getting old sucks.  I am a 30 year-old trapped in a 50 year-old body and there is nothing whatsoever I can do about it.

Lastly, people who are on a sugar-free diet told me that sugar-free ice cream tastes like the real thing.  They lied.  It doesn't.  And the sweeteners used in it have the same effect on the digestive system as Liquid Plummer.  But then again, it's better than not having sweets.  I just eat it on the commode to save myself the trip.

Well, there you have it.  Your Thursday thoughts.  Hope you've been entertained.

Gorilla