I Do, But I Don't

I Do, But I Don't

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Closing the Book

I started writing about the garbage in my life here a few years ago.   I was told that it was the right thing to do, as it would compliment the radio show on WKY and give folks a chance to look a little deeper into the mind and soul of the artist formerly known as the "400lb Gorilla of Oklahoma Media."  I thought my friends were nuts, but they were right.  I've received quite a bit of feedback - both positive and negative - about my opinions, thoughts are various issues.  It's been a blessing either way.  I wouldn't trade any of this time for anything in the world.

From a political standpoint, legislatures across the nation are welcoming new faces, new ideas among their sacred chambers.  The hope for all of the electorate is that what has happened in the past, the adversarial policies could all be left behind.  Maybe, just maybe the future will bring something new and exciting and growth will take place.  In Washington, there's a bit of a changing of the guard, but we already expect more of the same.  The chapter continues...

My brother, Mark
In my days, I've faced some pretty intense adversity and admittedly, much of it is of my own doing.  I've made horrid decisions at many stages of my life on this planet and I've done some deplorable damage.  I think of the days before moving from my home state of Washington after serving 8 years in the Navy and they haunt me.  My brother lost most of his lower extremities due to diabetes and I wonder whether or not if I would have stayed there and took a more active role in his life if his world view would be different - maybe even save those limbs.  Then there's my cousin, Wayne.  He died a horrible death as a result of his lifestyle and I wonder if in that case were I there to plant my foot up his ass if wouldn't still be alive today.

And my two oldest children...Matthew and Heather.  God, what a disaster I've been as a father for them.  There's no one to blame but me.  It's the kind of thing that torments me daily.  They have become amazing adults, incredible human beings and this is in spite of my destructive force.

Mark, Me, Matthew, Dad
I see so many people around me who are having a rough go of it and I confess, I have no answers.  I hate the contrived, "I'll pray for you," sentiment because it's bullshit.  If you have time to "pray," you've got time to get off your ass hug someone's neck - and don't think I've got it down, because I am as guilty or more guilty than the average Joe.  I've tried to reach out, have spent a good portion of my life giving of myself to others but now, I'm just running on fumes.  I have to try and throw myself a life vest before saving the Titanic.  But it still hurts.  Where there is opportunity to be there for someone, I take it.

We often hear the axiom, "time to close that chapter and move on to the next one."  For some of us who have counseling resources on speed dial, we need to close the book and light it on fire and watch it burn until there is nothing left but a trace of an ash.  Over the last few years, I've written new chapters of my life, but they are all from the same story line.  I'm working toward that moment when it's released and the new existence begins.

Why all this depressing shit?  Well, I'm sure that there are many out there who are have a rough go of it during this Christmas season.  I used to think that I was probably the only person in the world experiencing this, but I've come to learn beyond the abstract, that there are others struggling to keep heads above water. Life isn't easy - much of the time it sucks ass.  But not being alone in the sojourn means so much...  To be able to look into the thoughts and heart of another may be the beginning of that walk of freedom instead of the walk of death.

Who knows?  Maybe you're reading the ramblings of a complete lunatic.  Time will tell.

Gorilla