Diary of His Last Day

7:30am:  I couldn't sleep again last night.  The nightmares coupled with the physical pain has been unbearable for the last few months, but I only need a few more hours and then, it will be handled.  The coffee is brewing, it shouldn't be long before I can get my morning dose of miraculous.  The smell of freshly brewed coffee is unlike anything else and it has brought me many mornings of enjoyment.  Today, I'm just not feeling it.

8:45am:  I sat out on the balcony and had my coffee and it was delicious, the sunshine was a welcomed change, that's for certain.  The weather can be so frustrating - one minute it's cold, the next it's like living under an earth-sized hair dryer.  Anyway, time to get ready.

9:25am:   The pain has really started to intensify.  The pain medications have stopped working weeks ago and with each passing day, the pain is increasingly intense.  I'm glad that the kids haven't seen me in this condition.  They saw me in the hospital once, and that was enough.  They were scared, frightened, and unsure of just what was going on.  I have caused enough pain in their lives and I have no desire to add to the pain.  They are wonderful kids - all of them.  I can't go on being a source of anguish for them.  Just can't do it any longer.

11:00am:  I made my calls to those whom I love.  Some were excited to hear from me, the rest were rather disinterested in a simple conversation.  It hurt, but it's what I've grown used to.  When you're sick, you see, no one really wants to be around you - as though your pain will be transferred to them like in a sci-fi flick.  These were people whom I thought really gave a shit about me and my feelings.  I don't get it and maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me to understand.  They enjoyed me as long as I was entertaining, interesting.  But when I became ill and the prognosis was scary, I became a persona non grata.  And that's okay too.

12:13pm:  The time is drawing near and the closer it gets, the more at peace I feel.  My Catholic friends will consider this a mortal sin.  For my Protestant friends, they'll just pray that I made it to the happy side of the abyss.  The rest of my friends probably will miss me the most.  They knew me intimately, and they cared of their own free will - not because of some obligatory religious edict.  Man, I've dealt with my share of so-called Christians and they only understand the most rudimentary aspects of what current culture has decided is fundamental.  Oh, well.  I sure as hell won't be changing anyone's opinions - I've tried that and it just didn't work.  I vomited blood again and it's getting worse and more disgusting.  Blood is supposed to be on the inside of the body, not the outside.

1:46pm:  Why didn't they understand what I have been going through?  I reached out to them, asked if they were too busy to visit once in a while, and apparently they were.  I had a couple friends who stuck with me through this, but one abandoned me when it got rough - apparently there is no such thing as "unconditional love" any longer.  There's always an agenda. It's one of those "I love you IF" circumstances.  "I love you IF you behave in a manner of my choosing."  It's immeasurably fucked up and yeah, I suppose I have pulled that shit too.  But it doesn't make it right.  

3:00pm:  It's time.  Everything is ready, I've made my final telephone calls, I've even posted some niceties to be remembered by that will make my so-called friends feel good about themselves.  Some will say I took the coward's way out.  To them, I ask:  When is the last time you were in such pain that you couldn't talk?  Have you ever been so sick that even a simple cough will cause you to shit your pants?  Have you ever stared down the barrel of a firearm and knew that it would take your life?  Exactly.  Of course you haven't.  So, don't you dare judge me because if I do come back, I'll haunt the hell out of you.  I just can't take the pain of being sick and the emotional trauma that comes along with being sick - that sense of loneliness.  I know there will be others after me who experience the same.  My hope is that they are not left alone; whether they deserve it or not.  I've spent my last few days alone except for the occasional text message or social media message.  No one else should have to deal with that.

To My Kids:  I love you.  You all made my heart sing out when you were born.  Your lives are a testament to just how amazing life can be.  You've grown into your own and I'm proud of each of you.  Don't listen to the naysayers - remember that I love you and I carried your love for me to the other side.

I leave you all with four words:  I tried, I failed.  

They found his lifeless body sprawled out in her living room.  What was left of his head was scattered all over the floor, the pistol still in one hand, his diary in his other hand.  His friends and family mourned him, even missed him.  It wasn't long before they regretted not spending time with him, sharing life experiences.  But that's just the way it goes in the contemporary Facebook society.

I've read a great deal about warning signs about suicide and the diary above really underscores the fact that we have little time on this earth and that time should be spent wisely.  The fulfillment of our human existence is when we connect with other humans, sharing love and time with one another.  Don't pretend that the distressed is "someone else's problem."  It's your problem too.  If we all take on the responsibility of caring for one another - truly caring, the problem of suicide fades away.  It's true that we can't completely eliminate suicide, but we can knock a hole in it.

Gorilla

Weekend Prepper

What a wicked week it has been.  The third volume in my book series, Absolution for the Average Joe, was released for Kindle this week.  Still no results from the VA for the biopsies they took, and of course, that always brings the stress level to a minimum. Stomach is still upset as hell since the procedure and worse than before I went in (figures) I finally figured out how to use Instagram - quite the feat, I might add.  So, as you can see, it was an interesting week. 

Let's look at what the weekend may bring:

Seahawks Super Bowl Championship Part II:  My Seattle Seahawks are matched up against the New England Patriots and it looks to be a great game - though the Seahawks will pull off another win.  That will make back-to-back Super Bowl Championships and I will be a happy little camper.  The Patriots are a good team and they are picked to win the big game by just about every sports pontification available.  And the Seahawks love to be underdogs.  Remember the Green Bay NFC Championship?  Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch brought the team back from a big deficit in the fourth quarter with only 3 minutes left on the clock.  Yeah.  This is going to be one hell of a game.

New On Netflix:  The ultimate creator of the couch potato, Netflix continues to blow the doors off of every other subscription-based entertainment source.  I've had the chance to watch Breaking Bad twice now, Sons of Anarchy (waiting for the last season to be released), and there's Lost, of course - if you can keep from becoming lost. One of Netflix original badass series is House of Cards featuring Kevin Spacey who is amazing in this series.  The controversial movie, The Interview, is on Netflix already.  No doubt because of the whole hacking debacle.  Then there's Footloose, Fried Green Tomatoes, Mystic River (put this on your MUST see list), and comedies like Mr. Mom, and Swingers.  If the weather is too chilly or you're just waiting for Super Bowl Sunday, some time in front of the tube wouldn't be a bad thing.

SCOTUS Contemplation:  Mitt Romney announced that he would not, in fact, run for president in 2016.  Certainly there were people who were shocked and relieved to hear that but now, the GOP has to figure out who the next nominee will be.  Jeb Bush looks to be the frontrunner, Christie a close second.  The country is not ready for another Bush in office, though this Bush Boy seems to be a little more moderate than than the rest of his family who has sat in the Oval Office. This weekend, give some thought to the best match-ups.  If Jeb faces Hillary, it might be an interesting race because the voters will have to decide between contributing to either the Bush legacy or the Clinton legacy.

Give a Visit:  I've mentioned this plenty in other posts, but there's a real need for men and women to reach out to one another.  Life is hard and for some, it's exceedingly difficult.  Take some time our of your day to visit someone or to at least call.  Forget emails, text message, or Facebook messages.  See them in person and hug their neck.  That little gesture could serve to brighten their day and maybe keep them from the brink of the abyss.

There's a lot to do this weekend if you're interested in doing something.  Whatever it is, do some good.

Gorilla

Impending Doom

The sense of impending doom is what makes many movies so delicious - the anticipation of something horrible about to happen sucks us in and we begin to physically manifest our anticipation.  Our palms get sweaty, the adrenaline begins to rush, our heart rate increases, our breathing becomes shorter, and our pupils dilate.  These are not voluntary physical manifestations, but rather are an involuntary response to the potential of bad things about to happen.  Maybe it's our bodies warning us to get the hell out of where we are.

Politicians use that sense of doom and gloom every single day to get us to vote for them or to frighten constituents into believing that if we don't believe in the tripe they're spewing, we're going to be destroyed.  In other words, they hype up their fantasies in order to scare the hell out of us.

Nowhere is their a more apt illustration than some of the ridiculous bills that are being introduced in the Oklahoma legislature.  They are beyond preposterous, and the argument of the elected official is that the "gay agenda" is potentially ruining the country.  Ever more so, a bill to actually fire judges, clerks and the like who approve of and perform in any way something that even looks like gay marriage.  Really?  Really.  At one point in this legislator's career she talked publicly about how homosexuality is, in her opinion, more dangerous than terrorism.  Really.  It's true. 

She has no less than three bills this session that is supposedly going to protect traditional marriage.  If pastors like Kern's husband were doing their jobs ministering to those who need it rather than making up these stupid laws, she would see a change.

This legislator obviously doesn't get it, and it's probably not her fault.  She has surrounded herself with the "Amen Chorus," who agree with everything she says - as nuts as it may sound.  If this legislator truly wants to protect traditional marriage, maybe distracting the proponents therein with specious arguments might help a little.  For example, when the offense of a football team takes the field, their primary concern is to execute their plays accurately and get down the field to score.  They aren't bogged down by worrying about what their opponent may or may not be thinking.  It's stupidity personified to do so.

The Governor of Oklahoma announced that agencies may be facing some budget cuts because of the so-called "budget shortfall."  It is a reasonable request - IF the budget was actually crafted predicated on real income rather than projected income.  But that would be asking too much.  In the interim, stay scared, people.  The end is near.

People use fear every day to get what they want from others and politics is just the tip of the iceberg.  Capitalizing on fear has become a sacrament to some people - in relationships, for example:  A couple is talking about divorce, but the wife doesn't want it.  She points out to him that everything he has ever owned, everything he has ever desired or will maybe acquire in the future, will be hers.  She is playing on the fear of what most men experience in break-ups with most women.  It's all about revenge, perceived recompense, and it's a display of anger and rage.  It's tragic, but what is even worse is that we allow that shit to be pushed in our faces.

It's time for all of us to just stop.  It will be difficult, a struggle every day, but not thinking about the supposed end of the world at every turn will ease some stress.  At least I think so.

It's just my opinion and I could be wrong - but I seriously doubt it.

Gorilla

The Write Way

So, the shrink suggests I do what I enjoy, perhaps put pen to paper (figuratively speaking) and express my thoughts and fears.  Write them down, go back and read them, grammar check and analyze and peer into the real 400lb Gorilla - not just the outward persona, but rather the innermost workings of my poor little pea brain. 

So, that's what I did.  The result wasn't necessarily what I expected, but rather something altogether different. Rather than telling myself my story, I began writing a fiction series that ended up being amazingly and refreshingly dark.  I called the series, "Absolution for the Average Joe," a series of books that tell the tale of individuals who have experienced something traumatic in their lives and how those traumas manifest themselves outwardly.  The trauma is of their own doing and a price is to be exacted from each of them in a similar manner of the trauma they caused.  It's their act of contrition, their opportunity to right wrongs and do so in quite the dramatic fashion.  This particular series centers around a man by the name of Samuel and illustrates his descent into darkness and how he came to call his acts of retribution "Forced Absolution." 

I've completed the first two books of the series and they are available on Amazon.com for $.99 each, downloadable for Kindle. 

The first is called, Touch of Darkness. 

The second is entitled, Angels Have Fallen.

Do me a favor and pick up a copy of each, download them to your Kindle or load them into your Kindle Reader software on your Mac or PC.

Thank you.  Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Gorilla

 

Government Has Become A Church

Sad Jesus frowns on their shenanigans.

Billy got involved in the ministry because, well, he wanted to minister too others as he had been ministered to as a child.  He came from a broken home where his father had died in an automobile accident when Billy was a small child and the church had stepped up to the plate and provided comfort and aid to his family.  The pastor would regularly visit with his wife and give Billy's family an opportunity to openly and candidly share their grief.  Over time, Bill realized that what his pastor and church family had done was what he needed to do as an adult.

Billy graduated from seminary and accepted his first post as an associate pastor at a large, established church in an urban setting.  Within a week at the new job, Billy began to see a whole lot more political happenings than ministry happening.  Before long, he was disenchanted with the concept of ministry and left completely to work as a telemarketer.  

One of the biggest problems the Church faces in America right now is that of identity.  The Church is supposed to be a place of respite, a sanctuary for the sick, peace for the lost, and a location where the homeless are fed and the poor have their needs met.  Today, that New Testament visage of what the Church is truly supposed to be has been sacrificed at the altar of political or financial expediency.  After all, meeting need and caring for the least among us isn't as sexy as a rally at the capitol building steps protesting the alleged "gay agenda." 

There's the financial motivation to be a political church rather than a New Testament Church:  Meeting need, caring for the poor, feeding the hungry, and caring for the sick actually costs money and frankly, many churches would rather keep that money to pay for parsonages, campaigns, and the like.

Look, I'm not saying for a second that I have this "faith" thing down because I don't.  I've failed in every way imaginable.  I've been a lousy father, a terrible husband, a mediocre friend, and a mean spirited jackass.  But regardless of my myriad failures, the truth is still the truth and church leaders who become elected officials have proven time and again that ministry is the last thing on their minds, but rather creating a theocratic environment that will supposedly usher in the 2nd Coming has become their real agenda.  Forget feeding the hungry because that's someone else's "calling." To hell with healing and helping the sick because, after all, that's what doctors are for, right? 

Where in the New Testament is there an edict for the Church to become political activists?  Good luck finding it because it simply doesn't exist.  There's an incident where Paul appeals to Caesar during prosecution in the hopes of absolution, but it is a far cry from Jesus saying, "Go out and pass laws that show how much you hate supposed sin."  That's not what He said - He commanded us to "make disciples." 

What we DO know is what Christ had to say about the religious political leaders of his day...here are a few samples.

"Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to His disciples, saying: “The scribes and the Pharisees have seated themselves in the chair of Moses; therefore all that they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them. They tie up heavy burdens and lay them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger." ~ Mt. 23:1-4.
He said that they have "seated themselves in the chair of Moses," which means that they have set themselves up as the ones who are the arbiters of the Law.  He also points out their hypocrisy because they make laws and commandments that they see as right, but not seeing the sins they themselves commit.

"But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries and lengthen the tassels of their garments." ~ Mt. 23:5
Press conferences, public hearings, press releases and news stories of their righteous indignation - all for the purpose of gaining notoriety.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you travel around on sea and land to make one proselyte; and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves." ~ Mt. 23:15
This pretty much speaks for itself, but in this passage Christ is calling the Pharisees out and underscoring the fact that they are scumbags and their disciples are scumbags as well.  

Matthew 23 continues with some of the harshest, most condemning language in all of the New Testament and all spoken by Christ himself.  And it makes one wonder what these Pharisees think when they read it and because of the fact that they act like sociopaths, they cannot believe for a second that it could be about them.  It's sad, it's tragic and the people of Oklahoma end up paying for their idiocy.

For this new breed of "Christian soldier" who are neither truly Christian nor soldiers, government is a means to an end.  Like the Pharisees, they use the law to create what they interpret as a religious world versus a secular world.  They will use government as a place to worship, to be worshiped and their sacrament has been the sacrifice of common sense.  Whether they believe it or protest the fact, for them, the government has become their church.  Many of these Pharisees condemn the government for caring and feeding the poor, but the government does it because the Church is too busy with their shenanigans to do what they have been commanded.

Of course, I could be wrong but I seriously doubt it.

Gorilla

 

 

Live For Now, Not Then

“It is by no means an irrational fancy that, in a future existence, we shall look upon what we think our present existence, as a dream.”  ― Edgar Allan Poe

We are often told that we are to live in the "now," to put behind us our past and never look back.  Heck, that type of thinking even has Biblical precedent - Lot's wife took a look back and turned to a pillar of salt, the Apostle Paul write sin Philippians 3, "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." In essence, we just keep on trucking, move ever forward and basically give no thought to our past.

Frankly, I don't think those passages, those axioms can be by taken autonomously.  We just forget that which we experienced yesterday?  There has to be more, right?

We are unquestionably the sum total of our experiences.  Every little moment of joy, every twinge of pain and discontent While those experiences may not define our personality or paint us into a corner wherein there is no hope for the future, it's intellectually dishonest to think that without looking back once in a while, we can learn necessary life lessons.  It's exhausting to hear people say how we can't "live in the past," but I'll be honest...I get it.  We live in the here and now, we exist in the here and now and unlike the Creator, we are confined by time and space.  It's who we are.  So, how about something different?

1.  We look back at our past to see the mistakes we have made, and those mistakes often remind us of our fallibility.

2.  Sometimes, looking back and moments of joy, remind us what joy looks, tastes, and feels like again.  We often need that reminder.

3.  We look back to remember what we have forgotten.  I've lost whole blocks of my memory from the past and it's frustrating as hell.  I look back at times to try and fill in the gaps, to cross that bridge from curiosity to knowledge.  Sometimes, I have to trudge through muddy waters to get there and it's worth it, I tell you.

4.  Shut out the condemning voices - including our own.  "Therefore there is now no condemnation," (Romans 8) is a reality, but only so if we apprehend it and apply it to ourselves first. The voices of condemnation are all around us - there will be those who are hell bent on your destruction, your voice just has to be louder than theirs.  Maybe we just learn a new language and speak that language to minds...

5.  Acceptance.  Just accept the fact that there are some seriously jacked up things in your past and own them.  I've made a mountain of them and yes, I own those bitches.  There are many other mountains of bullshit out there, but this one is all mine.  When you own it, you control it rather than it controlling you.

What we learn from our previous mistakes is really up to us.  We can allow it to change the very core of our being or we can look at it for what it is - a learning opportunity.  I confess that I have not apprehended this truth myself.  I still hold a great deal of anger as a result of my youth, but the progress has been made that I know without hesitation that the past cannot own me.  It has only the control over me which I choose to give it.

We live for now, yes, but it doesn't hurt one damned bit to remember the joys and pain of the past - embrace that which is good, discard that which is bad.

I don't know.  I could be wrong, but I seriously doubt it.

Gorilla

It Will Not Happen In Oklahoma

There are trends sweeping the nation in a cultural, spiritual and physical sense and some consider them to be enlightened.  It's more complicated than just moral standards because even the most "moral" pillars of our community, when all alone and no one is looking or listening, they agree with principle.  For example...

Legalization of marijuana - medical or otherwise.  Perhaps  I am wrong, but I cannot see this ever happening in the state of Oklahoma.  Liquor by the drink was hard enough to get through the concrete walls of morality, to pass something as controversial as medical marijuana under this Pharisaical leadership just is not going to happen.  The only way it will be even considered by the hyperbolic moral majority in Oklahoma, is to see one of their own suffering under immense pain with no hope for relief.  It's okay, of course, to prescribe medication that is highly addictive and destroys the body from the inside out, but marijuana is "of the devil."  Personally, I have a difficult time reconciling my position about legal alcohol while marijuana remains illegal.  The hypocrisy stacks up so fast in Oklahoma, you need wings to stay above it.

Elimination of the death penalty.  We like killing bad guys in Oklahoma.  It's as though we have a desire to be like our big brother, Texas, when we grow up.  Regardless of the fact that we have screwed up executions so badly as to be an international embarrassment, regardless of the fact that we have no doubt imprisoned the innocent and called them guilty (Jeffrey Todd Pierce, for example) and destroyed their lives, regardless of the fact that we tout our "pro-life" position like a badge of courage but kill prisoners with impunity, we just like the feel of what we deem as justice, our unique brand of justice.  We use Scripture to argue our position of being pro-life, but forget that those Scriptures are written in both the imperative and indicative tenses - and that it applies across the board, and not selectively.  This is not to say, of course, that we can use deadly force to protect lives in the moment, in the immediate sense.  There is justification for that, but to imprison on shady or questionable evidence and then to kill in the name of the state...   What ever happened to Joyce Gilchrist, by the way?

Over the last couple years, it seems like Oklahoma is undergoing a bit of a change, a shift if you will.  The change isn't a shift to the left or to the right politically, but rather it seems like the level of apathy has reached epic proportions.  The legislature continues to trudge ever forward, presenting legislation that is largely moral in nature instead of Constitutional.  Think about it:  Legislation that increases the difficulty for divorce where children are involved (as though keeping children in a dysfunctional household is the right thing to do), DNA samples taken at the point of felony arrest - not conviction, and the list goes on.  There is a change in the wind alright, and I don't think anyone is going to like it much.

What difference does it make to me or to the average Joe?  Not much.  We're too concerned with staying alive than we are changing public policy.

Of course, these are just my opinions and I could be wrong.  But I seriously doubt it.

Gorilla

2015 Looks Okay So Far

2014 went out with a bit of a whimper, and for the vast majority of us, that's just fine.  It was a rough year on many levels and thankfully, it's behind us.  Sort of.  There's always residual fecal matter that sticks to our shoes as we march about in the pastures of life, difficult to scrape off.  But in any event, it always turns out the way it was supposed to and we survived.  I've lost a few friends over the last year, but I've gained even more and have reestablished relationships with friends whom I imagined were long gone. 

This year has already been interesting and it gets more so with each passing day.  And it's going to get better, no doubt.  Some stuff that's circling through my head...

Mason
This is the year when Mason, my second oldest son, graduates high school.  I've tried my darnedest to convince him that the Naval Reserves is the way to go for both continuing education and learning some serious discipline.  And of course, the reality that serving your country is kind of a big deal.  He's not buying it, not really interested in the prospect of becoming a member of the military, but hopefully, he'll change his mind.  Right now, he's looking at local schools and either way, I'm super proud of the kid.  He was the kid who wasn't supposed to make it this far.  But he has and he's done so splendidly.

Hoodies
Oklahoma State Senator Don Barrington (R) has authored legislation to ban the wearing of hoodies in certain public places.  Why?  It's a "safety issue."  Not the brightest piece of legislation to be hatched under the methane gas-filled dome, but certainly leading the pack for goofiest in the next session.  Barrington isn't a douchebag, but this legislation is douchey.  Hopefully, his fellow Senators will bring him back to reality.

Seahawks
Are they on the way to yet another Super Bowl?  Perhaps, but I have followed the Seahawks for so long, I'd still love these guys anyway.  We have a great team, great fans, a wonderful stadium and of course, the most awesome city to host the team in the country.  Enough said.

Family
I've reconnected with many family members this past year and thus far, I've had the opportunity to learn more about my life growing up, about my family that I've missed.  My cousin in Washington, Jodi, and her family has been illuminating in keeping me in the loop with what's going on with her kids, with my cousin's family.  I hope to get out there and see her, see my son Matthew, his wife and my grandson, Rylan. 

Politics
This is going to be a very challenging year for the GOP.  Leadership is pretty much the same, but Oklahoma has some new blood in Washington DC, but some are the same, just transfused into a different position.  It's hard to say how much will change, but I can promise you that one thing will definitely happen:  Fuel prices will go up.  With the GOP in control in this climate, we'll see that their backers will want to see the energy sector continuing to be prosperous. 

Well, that's about it for now, more to follow.  Happy 2015!

Gorilla

Thoughts of 2014 and What's Next

2014 is just about behind us and it has been an amazing year - one filled with changes, adventures and even a Seahawks Super Bowl victory.  The challenges for me have been obvious and I haven't been too terribly shy about sharing them in a very public forum.  Battles with depression, wrestling the demons that whisper in my ear telling me  it's time to jump off a bridge, and even the incessant physical pain have followed me everywhere I go and I've shared them with you.  It sounds rather morose, I know, but there is a bright side to it all, a respite in the midst of the chaos that exists in my mind that you all have helped me reach.

What have I learned in 2014?

Time Is Precious
This year, as well as most recently, the doc gave me less than happy news.  There was stabilization in my primary diagnosis, but the pain has not ceased and now, I've developed other symptoms, other problems.  Nevertheless, I march on smartly.  Time is precious.  I know a lot of people who live their lives with anger, frustration and an innate desire for revenge for the times they believed themselves to be wronged, often overlooking the fact that they too have plenty to deal with inside their hearts.  Again, every minute of our lives is precious.  I've learned in 2014 how important loved ones truly are, how much friends really mean and whether the doc is right or I overcome, I'm going to live every second of every day as though it were my last.

Peace Through Strength
When Ronald Reagan was president, I remember the slogan, "peace through strength."  I believe that is true in our own lives.  In order to have peace, we have to have enough strength to weather the storm of difficult times.  Spiritually, we are to lay down our lives - to see the death of self so that we may live for others through Him.  I know this to be true spiritually, but let me tell you, it's hard to live out in practice.  There will always be men and women who see weakness, your vulnerability as an opportunity to tear you to shreds emotionally and otherwise.  Even in light of this danger, it's important to remember that you are in control, not them.  Your weakness IS your strength because it is uniquely you and no one can own that but you.  You will grow to be stronger, and there you'll find true peace.

Don't Water A Dead Plant (Or A Poisonous One)
Water is life-giving.  Without water, we die - and we will die much faster without water than we will without food.  Water changes things; it cleanses us from filth, it nourishes our bodies, and it is used for the sacrament of baptism.  When a plant is dead, no amount of water can revive that plant.  To try to do so is an effort in futility.

Doing What You Don't Believe You Can
I never imagined that I would be where I am right now.  Back in the day, I thought my life would be much more ordered and packaged in a nice little box with a pretty bow around it.  That just didn't happen and as time progressed, things got harder and harder due to some of my really dumb ass life choices.  We all pay the price for our choices and that pain and struggle often convinces us that there is nowhere to turn, no hope for the future.  Some days, I don't believe I can continue - that the universe would be better off were I not in it and all my meds cry out to me to be consumed and to drift off into the abyss.  But it's at that moment that somehow, I do what I didn't believe I could.  I push through it and I live.  I breathe.  I flourish in the midst of turmoil.  I do it because I have plenty to live for and the time I have left is precious and I'm not going to allow any demon on this planet to take that from me - I've lost too much time already trying to be that which I am not.

You Don't Live There Any Longer
There are aspects of our past, I have learned, that just don't need to be revisited.  2014 brought forth some horrifying revelations about my family, and they forced me to do a serious inventory about what comprises the totality of me.  Many of them were built on a faulty foundation to begin with.  I've had to remind myself that I don't live in that place any longer.  That past, that history is no longer who I am and I can't and won't let if have power over me.  Learning about and understanding history is critically important, yet it isn't the sum total of who I am - those moments of joy and the times of turmoil are lessons from which to be learned. The harsh realities of time gone by is like that of an abandoned house.  Visiting it once in a while is entertaining, a worth while effort.  But over time, it decays and becomes something far less beautiful than it was - our minds, of course, romanticize it, hold it up in higher regard than we should. 

Happy Happy Joy Joy
It's funny...I really have spent far too much of my life trying to please others of trying to adjust my life according to whether or not someone in my life is happy or going to be upset.  Many would argue that I'm a selfish dick, and circumstantially, they would be completely correct.  Yet, when I look closely at my decisions - particularly where relationships are concerned, I've not truly followed my heart and pursued happiness.  Real happiness.  Hell, at my age, I question whether it's even attainable - but I'm not going to stop trying.

There is so much more that I've learned, and I've included them in a book I'm working on, but hopefully, you can see the struggle and the victory therein.

What's next in 2015?

Music Lover
I've been involved in music since I was 9 years old and it's something that is hard wired in my DNA.  I may fail at relationships, fail at my ability to communicate, but I love music and my goal is to complete the work we started with Mean Machine and Lord willing, even complete the two originals I've been working on. 

Spiritual Journey
I believe that 2015 will be a year of spiritual exploration.  I know what my faith entails, the creeds of which I believe and affirm, but I think I'm going to try and take it to a new level.  I've had my fair share of judgmental douchebaggery, it's time for some eye-opening experiences free from condescension. 

No Apologies

Everyone has their skeletons tucked away, hidden in a safe, nice little place where they can hardly be found.  Many of mine have been resurrected and to be honest, I've made an effort to come to grips with them and understand them.  I can't apologize for who I am.  I am 50 years old and wholesale changes to my personality just isn't going to happen without divine intervention - and I don't see that happening any time soon.  I'll be much more candid with my loved ones, sharing information that may be painful to hear but candid nonetheless.  We need more reality and a whole lot less posturing.

Family Affair
My family in Virginia, family in Washington state...I have my issues with them, but I think the time has come for that reunion I've been talking and dreaming about.  I'll be heading back to Seattle at some point in 2015 and it will be a particularly wonderful experience.

More than likely, most of what I've typed here will mean little to many of you.  Maybe there are a couple out there who can understand this duality in which we exist.  It's true that for a whole bunch of us, merely getting out of bed is a struggle.  But we do, we keep after it.  And then, someone challenges us at the right moment and the perfect storm is created.  Then, we all get a taste of the true nature of who we are.

Until next time...enjoy.


Gorilla

All I Want For Christmas...

Growing up, Christmas was a magical time around our home.  My mother worked diligently to ensure that, while we may not have had much, we had enough and every little gift had meaning - the whole day had meaning.  The whole season had meaning.  It was about fellowship, the exchange of our real gift of love to one another.  The dinner was always something to anticipate, the stories and of course, watching a few of the Christmas specials on television were part of the fun.  Of course, my brother and I had our traditional moments - like making Christmas lists.

I thought today I'd share some of the items on my big dream Christmas list.  It's changed over the years, but maybe yours is similar - and remember - the sky is the limit here.  Live on the edge and fantasize about Christmas wishes, make it your wildest dreams and who knows?  You may receive a Christmas miracle.  Okay...probably not.  But it's fun anyway.

1.  Make Peace.  Over the course of my 50 years on this planet, I have succeeded in pissing off probably hundreds of people and hurt the feelings of a bunch as well.  If possible, and I'm sure it isn't, it would be nice to have a few moments of peace with these people.  I know for a fact that some folks just aren't interested in peace and much prefer war, but the rest of them would be nice to have reconciliation with.

2.  Weekend With Kids.  I'd like to have a weekend with all of my kids.  Just one where they were all together and getting along and doing so without distraction or angst.  I love all my kids and I suck at showing it...which leads to the next wish...

3.  Love More.  I guess that "loving more" isn't a correct description, but rather I want to be able to show my loved ones that I really do love them and do so more frequently.  In contrast to most of my biological family, I'm pretty open about my feelings, but that isn't saying much, really.  My family is pretty stoic.

4.  Seattle Supersonics.  It was a total dick move (in my opinion) to pick up and move the basketball team from Seattle to Oklahoma City.  I'm happy for Oklahoma City to be sure, but I sure wish that Seattle would get a team back - the fans have learned their lessons.

5.  Stop Gridlock.   Politics is by design, adversarial.  The two-party system is hard-wired to be adversarial and will continue to be so.  Yet, for Christmas, wouldn't it be nice if the GOP and the Democratic Party would do something that really does improve the quality of life here in America?  Just get along for a little while and solve some problems.  Stop the posturing and just get things done.

6.  Veteran's Salvation.  The Veteran's Administration has problems and the biggest problem is that it is not funded appropriately.  Yeah, that's right - it's not funded as it should be.

7.  One Day Pain-Free.  For a few years now, I've rose out of bed with some degree of pain.  Coupled with the medication I have to take every day, life is just one big foggy moment of ouchiness followed by flashes of moderate pain.  Frankly, the trips to the ER only to be told that there's not a lot that can be done for pain management has just about gotten me to the end of my rope. There are a number of reasons why I'd love to return to my home state of Washington, but the legalization of medicinal marijuana does make it even more attractive - though I haven't used it myself. 

8.  Stayin' Alive.  I know it isn't something to discuss during the Christmas holiday, but the truth is that I'd love to have old Santa bring me a wall to build in my mind to shut off the thoughts of getting off of this ride.

9.  Family Reunion.  One big, massive, family get-together with the whole family from Virginia to Seattle.  Cook enough ribs to make Fred Flintstone jealous and put aside petty bullshit and just enjoy each other's company.

10. Bring Back Dexter.  It was a shame when Showtime cancelled that program, and the series finale was abrupt, emotional and really left it open for more shows.  Showtime needs to do us all a favor and bring it back.  It's my Christmas wish, after all.

Law Enforcement Deserves Better

Recent events have underscored just how depraved humanity can be.  The very men and women who get up every morning, put on a uniform, wear a badge and leave their homes knowing that it may be the last time they see their families, are being targeted for destruction by bottom feeding piles of human waste.  What depravity must a man experience in his mind to think of and render violence to men and women who represent the very core of our society - the aspect that we are a nation of laws.  Granted, some of the laws are bullshit, but that isn't the job of the law enforcement profession.  Problems with laws are to be directed at state legislators - not police officers.

Two New York City police officers were assassinated by Ismaaiyl Brinsley, a 28 year old nutbag got his panties in a bunch after an altercation with his girlfriend, took a shot at her but she survived, but that wasn't enough.  He targeted and assassinated these two NYPD officers.  Clearly, this piece of shit just didn't get enough attention from his mommy and daddy growing up and he's acting out.  Probably playing too many video games and watching Al Jazeera television for tips.  Let's take a closer look at this piece of dung:

Brinsley has a history of run-ins with the law. He has 15 prior arrests in Georgia for assorted crimes: misdemeanor assault, larceny, shoplifting, and gun possession, dated from 2004 to 2013. He was arrested 4 times in Ohio from May 2009 to September 2009–robbery and misdemeanor theft. He served over 2 years in various prisons, mostly from a 2-year sentence for the Georgia case of criminal possession of a weapon.

Yeah.  He's a peach.  Georgia let this son of a bitch loose after 15 priors and he travels to and fro and ends up targeting two police officers for assassination.  He'll get the chair, but that's too good for this guy.  He needs to be locked up in a mental facility for the rest of his life, heavily medicated and his subconscious mind toyed with like a rubber band around a balloon. 

But that's not the end of it...

In Florida, another police officer was murdered by a little punk by the name of Marco Antonio Parilla, Jr.  A 23 year old kid with far too much time on his hands and not enough brain matter to deal with it.  Check this out:

Parilla shot Kondek because "he felt like a caged rat” and did not want to return to prison.
Parilla ran the wounded cop over as he whipped out of the apartment’s driveway in reverse. He then lost control of the vehicle and smashed into a power pole and pickup truck.

What a little jackass.  He did apologize to the family during his "perp walk," so that should make it all better, right?  Wrong.

What goes through the mind of man when targeting an icon of American justice and law?  To target a law enforcement officer is inexcusable and unforgivable.  Lawyers have been targeted in the past and though there is an intellectual or emotional ascent to understand that logic, it's still wrong.

I don't know if there are solutions to problems like this.  The disaster in Ferguson, MO has really highlighted the fact that the criminal element is actually proud of itself and shameless.  A man gets shot by law enforcement - a clean shoot, by the way - and now, the bottom feeders believe it gives them license to target and assassinate law enforcement.  Pure insanity.

Personally, I believe the douchebag talking heads on the extreme left who want nothing short of anarchy are partly to blame for this mess.  Anyone who wears one of those stupid "I Can't Breathe Shirts" (more info here) is part of the problem as well.  Even the President has talked about cracking down on law enforcement.  It's unreal.

Do yourself a favor and our community a favor - thank a cop.  They do shit every day that most of the sissies protesting them would never have the courage to do.


Gorilla

Free My Mind Friday Before Christmas

I've been pretty open about my bouts with depression as well as my physical health and I've been asked recently why I am so candid.  The person asking had a sneer on his face, as though I were passing gas rather than sharing intimate details of my time on this big blue ball.  He was actually offended that I would do so.  He clearly had a higher view of me than I have of myself because he felt it necessary to recite my resume' to me in a chastising and condescending tone as if I were giving away state's secrets.  My response to him was simple, to the point:  "Look, I don't give a damn what you think is appropriate or what isn't appropriate.  For me, it frees my mind in the hopes that maybe someone else can kick depression's ass by knowing they're not alone.  It's easier to let this stuff out of my head than it is to keep it bottled up for days like this when douchebags question me and I get the urge to rip their f*cking heads off."

He shut the hell up about it.

Some coping tools are probably not so healthy, but writing about the crap I've gone through isn't going to hurt anyone - unless I actually DO start revealing secrets.  But that's just not going to happen because it serves no purpose to hurt others intentionally.  For this little gray duck, it's all about trying to get healthy and helping other folks get healthy for as long as I can.  No one knows how much time we have left with one another here on earth, so it's best spent sharing the truth and maybe extending some love to one another.  Is that too much to ask?

This week has been a strange one.  The fact that we're actually seeing discussions about fracking near Lake Hefner - a major water source for the citizens of Oklahoma City, blows my mind.  I know that Oklahoma is all about the oil and gas industry and we're willing to drop trousers and bend over for any one of those energy companies, but seriously?  To me, it shows the absolute arrogance of the industry and the lack of spinal fortitude our elected officials have where they are concerned.  It proves that in the state of Oklahoma, every single elected official is bought and paid for by someone.  This is emblematic of the week, in my opinion.

Yes, Christmas is right around the corner and I confess, it's been a long time since I've had a holiday season that hasn't made me want to do bad things to people.  This year, however, it's been much nicer, much more palatable.  There is hope, there is joy and perhaps the meaning of the season itself is being made manifest in my life.  The concept of grace, mercy, the deliverance from the darkness of the human pathos - that's what Christmas is about.  Through the birth and sacrifice of One, the whole may be saved.

That's just my opinion, and I could be wrong.  But I seriously doubt it.

Gorilla

Pain Is Supposed to Hurt

They loved and cared for one another in ways that were impossible to describe.  When together, it was as though nothing else in the world mattered, it was as though their breaths were dependent upon that of the other.  When they were apart, the glint in their eyes were there because of anticipation of being in each others' arms again.  They were perfect in every way - even when they fought, they did so with a hint of eagerness to make up, to apologize to one another with love and passion.  What the world couldn't see is that between the two of them, there was immense pain.  They knew that their days were limited, time was of a rare and precious commodity.  They didn't know the day, the hour, but they knew that they would have to say that one final goodbye.  He had been diagnosed with a terminal disease.  He would die.  He would leave her side.  On the surface, they were perfection.  Behind the passion, exists pain.

Everyone experiences pain - physical pain of one sort or another.  The human body is designed with nerves that feed information to the brain where pain receptors let us know that something is horribly wrong and action should be taken.  There are medicines available to relieve pain to be sure, but there's another type of pain that kills not only the body, but the spirit of man.  It's the pain that accompanies loneliness, the feeling of utter solitude even when surrounded by people.  It's cliche' to say, but we've heard the axiom of being in a crowded room and still feeling alone and it rings true.  The reasons for such solitude are varied and different for everyone.  It may be different, but it is equally devastating.

Over the course of a lifetime, each of us will experience loss and experience the subsequent pain that accompanies it.  There's a timing to life, a rythm to life, a pace if you will.  For example, parents shouldn't lose their children early in life and children shouldn't lose their parents at a young age.  We're just not hard-wired to handle that kind of trauma.  But still, we see it every day, we experience it within our sphere of influence whether we like it or not.  Life sucks at times and we're the ones being drawn into the tube of maladjusted consciousness, only to be stored in someone's trash heap of emotional carnage.

We lose relationships along the course of life's journey and that too causes a great deal of pain.  More so for some than others.  None of it is designed to be easy and all of it is supposed to cause us pain so we shouldn't be surprised when it hurts.  In some ways, we should embrace it because each one of those moments of loss, those moments of extreme pain build up emotional scar tissue.  Scar tissue deadens the nerve endings both emotionally and physically and sometimes, that's a damned good thing.

Approaching the Christmas holiday, it's important for us to remember that it's not easy for everyone.  No amount of neatly wrapped gifts can replace the energy that human touch and interaction can bring.  Without it, the pain for some is immeasurable.  We're not created to be independent creatures void of contact with one another.  We were created to have fellowship with one another. Is there someone in your life experiencing pain?  Is there someone in your life you suspect is experiencing pain but is just too broken to admit it?  Reach out.  It could reduce the amount of scar tissue build up in their lives...

Gorilla