I Do, But I Don't

I Do, But I Don't

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

10 Reasons To Stay Away From The Polls November 2nd

Blogger Steve Fair has published "10 Reasons Why Conservatives Should Not Vote For Jari Askins," and it is very well thought out, very well researched and without a doubt, exceptionally partisan.  Which is pretty much what we have come to expect these days anyway.  It's all about the party for some but for me, as stated previously, it's about the hotness

So, for those of you who are tired of the same old rhetoric and talking points as to why you should or should not vote for one candidate over another, I've decided to compile my list of reasons we should just stay away from the polling places altogether and let the chips fall where they may.

10.  Grumpy Polling Volunteers.  I don't know how the election board does it, but somehow they are able to round up the most angry, pissed off and generally grumpy geriatric volunteers to check our name on their handy little list, toss us our little voting sheet and spew forth a round of instructions.  Where they find these troglodytes is anyone's guess but more than likely, recruiting takes place at the DMV - and not just from behind the counter either.  If we want abuse, we can just as easily sit home and watch American Idol Rewind and hear the melodious tones of Simon Cowell barking at wanna-be superstars.  We don't need the ghosts of Archie Bunker telling us we're douchebags if we forget our "I Voted" sticker.

9.  Hunting Season.  Deer archery season begins October 1 and goes through January 2011 and if you have archery hunted in Oklahoma during the beginning of the season, you know it's pretty hard work.  I would suggest you go on vacation beginning October 1, set up camp and wait for the big buck to come by your treestand.  About the time blackpowder season begins, you'll have at least seen a big buck or two and not had to worry about number 10, above.

8.  Partisan Poop.  At this stage of the game, anyone voting in Oklahoma should come to realize that Democrats in Oklahoma are infinitely more conservative than most of the Republican presidential nominees we've seen in the last few years.  Anyone who believes W was a true conservative probably can't even spell the word "conservative" and has kissed a final farewell to their minds shortly after Ronald Reagan died.  By the time November 2nd rolls around, you'll hear the words "liberal" and "conservative" tossed around like a salad at Souper Salad but with far less care and the excrement you'll have to wade through on television and what is left of talk radio will make you long for the elephant stalls at the Oklahoma City Zoo.  If you want to wade through poop, come by my house and I'll let you meet my Rottweiller, Cletus, and he can show you some poop.

7.  It Is Not The End Of the World.  Contrary to what Rush, Sean, Keith, Rachel, Glenn and Oprah have told you, November 3rd is not the date set for the end of humanity as we know it.  Granted, it is tempting to live in the bus buried in the back yard after listening to 15 minutes of Glenn Beck's program wherein he informs us that God is really, really pissed off that the country elected Obama as president, but it just isn't the case.   Equally difficult is listening to Sean Hannity (who thinks he IS God) tell us that he was/is right about everything ranging from the correct temperature of brownies to the fate of the IRS - but as Sean would say, "let not your heart be troubled," because while politicos are running around kissing each other on the mouth about how brilliant their candidates are, God is busy going about saving the eternal souls of those who are created in His image. 

6.  Newt Gingrich.  The fact that we somehow allowed this guy to be Speaker of the House at any time in human history should be enough to teach us that our decision-making power at the polling places are woefully lacking.

5.  Jimmy Carter.  Much like Newt, Carter was an example of everything that is wrong with the system, the way we elect leaders.  Some of us still remember the lines at gasoline stations...

4.  Absentee Voting.  Each state has rules and regulations pertaining to absentee/early voting and Oklahoma is included.  Rather than dealing with the barbarians at the polling gates, we can fill out our little voting cards and ship them to the election board wherein they will get lost, be used as toilet paper or even be utilized as art forms at the Oklahoma History Museum.  For the rich and famous living in gated communities, you need not miss your golf vacation in Florida the first week of November, you simply follow the instructions and mail in your ballot.  For the not-so-rich-and-famous, you won't have to lose your place in line at the DMV.  

3.  Mary, Todd & Ken Won't Be There.  Sorry, kids, but none of the Bold and Beautiful will be at the polling place awaiting your arrival and no, they won't be signing autographs either.  And you're not allowed to bring your Sarah Palin blow-up doll either. 

2.  Liquor Stores Open.  Liquor stores are now open in Oklahoma on election day.  Think about it - would you rather be surrounded by vintage bottles of chardonnay, merlot and pinot or would you rather be surrounded by vintage men and women whose ire is surpassed only by the scent of medicated rubs?  Exactly.

And the number one reason you should not go to the polls November 2nd....

1.  It Just Doesn't Matter.  We are polishing the brass on the Titanic, kids.  We gave Democrats control of the House and Senate and they screwed it up.  Then, we gave Republicans control of the House, the Senate and the Oval Office and they screwed it up.  At the end of the day, we get all excited about this party or that party and their myriad of "solutions" to problems they themselves have created.  We show up to the polls, draw the little line for this "conservative" or that "liberal" only to find out a few months later that they have all been manufactured at the same plant by the same people who are feeding us the same line of crap, but packaging their candidates differently - and they and their consultants gather at the Wormy Dog for drinks and an after-party at our expense.  We've been hoodwinked, we've been bamboozled and we seem to like it that way.

Enjoy!  Of course, this was largely satire...if you don't "get it," please, for the love of God don't go to the polls ever and don't breed.  Thank you for your service to our community.