I Do, But I Don't

I Do, But I Don't

Monday, November 22, 2010

Making the Best of the TSA

The holidays are to be a time of cheer, joy, fellowship and family.  Our minds and hearts turn towards home and the thought of a warm fire in the fireplace, apple cider, turkey dinners and gift exchanges give us a slice of the pie that is our lives in America. 

Enter:  The TSA

The news media is filled to overflowing with increasing reports of elderly citizens and even children being poked and prodded because they could potentially be carrying terrorist weapons in that Dora the Explorer backpack or diabetes supply kit.  For most, having a TSA agent whose hygiene regimen is little more than rubbing peanut butter on unmentionables feel us up at the airport is less appealing than having a colonoscopy performed by Dr. Jack Kavorkian.  And yes, it does damper the holiday spirit a little.

So, what are we Americans to do?  Somehow, we have to find a way to make it profitable and even bearable.  Let's take a look at the possibilities.

1.  Body Searches Sponsored by KY Yours + Mine.  The commercials for KY Yours + Mine are a hit across the globe and the TSA's 67,000+ employees could greatly benefit from such a sponsorship.  And the product is already gender-specific.  By having KY sponsor the TSA body searches, the makers of KY could include one just for the kids - bubble gum aroma.  And for the elderly, Ben Gay.  The possibilities are limitless.

2.  Larry Flynt Productions.  The government could contract with Larry Flynt to video tape the rub-downs and gropes and release them on DVD or pay-per-view.  A percentage of the profits could be used to pay down the deficit and give Michael Chertoff a bonus (he's making money on the deal anyway).

3.  Matlock DVDs.  Senior citizens love Matlock.  For an extra $3, senior citizens can get their TSA rub down AND an autographed DVD of Matlock Season 1. 

4.  Hooters.  We men like to have snacks after a good rub-down and the TSA could kill two birds with one stone...have the rub-downs conducted by the Hooters girls and hook us up with a platter of those delicious hot wings.  Simply add $10 to the price of the airline ticket.  Everyone goes home happy and the airport is filled with the aroma of exquisite hot wings.

Friends, have a spectacular holiday season and since our government doesn't seem to be listening to the will of the people these days, I suppose the only thing we can do is make light of the problem and maybe lay back and enjoy it, right?